June 1, 2010
Noise Free America
For immediate release
Albany: The Florida Marlins have won this month’s Noisy Dozen award from Noise Free America for giving obnoxious vuvuzelas to the first 15,000 fans at a recent game with the Tampa Bay Rays, creating noise hell for fans and players alike.
Marlins President David Samson declared the noise-making event a clear success. “It was absolutely outstanding,” said Samson. “I got two e-mails from older people and we moved their seats because it was loud. To give you an idea, that is the least number of e-mails for things that go on during the course of a game that you could possibly have.”
Others begged to differ. Florida Marlins outfielder Cody Ross called the noise “awful.” Marlins second baseman Dan Uggala called the noise “brutal,” calling them “the worst handout or giveaway” he’d been a part of. Marlins manager Joe Maddon called them “annoying,” and called for them to be banned from baseball. One commentator called “Vuvuzela Night” a “disaster of Biblical proportions.”
The vuvuzela phenomenon threatens peace and sanity throughout the globe. Recently, according to MSNBC, an American in Germany “got so fed up with the constant mosquito-like droning that from his neighbors’ vuvuzela plastic horn that he threatened to kill them with an ax.” The man said he was “so sick of the constant buzzing and honking from the vuvuzelas” since the World Cup began that he screamed, “I will kill you,” and then returned home.
Most peace-loving individuals are extremely bothered by this new source of ridiculous noise. A recent New York Daily News survey asked, “What do you think of the vuvuzelas that have dominated the World Cup and beyond?” Seven percent responded, “They’re fun and a great new tradition!” Ninety-three percent agreed, “That infernal buzzing is the most annoying noise ever!”
Ted Rueter, Noise Free America’s director, commented that “the global vuvuzela phenomenon is an absolute disgrace. Why do we need more unnecessary noise? Vuvuzelas are extremely irritating. Professional and college sports events are already extremely loud, with thunderous music and announcements–even in bathrooms. We do not need to add the relentless buzzing of vuvuzelas. I fear that this fad will spread to all sports. Heaven help us.”